By this point, the new J. J. Abrams-produced monster movie Cloverfield has been out for well over a month and I don’t think I’m spoiling anything when I describe the (practically nonexistent) plot as follows:

An unexplained monster devastates Manhattan, and a group of rather stupid young adults halfheartedly attempts to escape, but not before wasting a lot of time trying to rescue a girl that should have died by the time they reach her. 

The film is presented in a cinéma vérité style that was well-established with the release of The Blair Witch Project–that is, the entire film is supposed to exist on a single tape “recovered” from a camcorder (though how that happens is a mystery to me; the camera in question ends up buried under tons of rubble in the middle of Central Park). Basically, we, the viewing audience, are supposed to take this entire film as a single video artifact–as something that is “real,” even though it is clearly fiction.That said, there are a number of extremely large obstacles that cause the film to fail in becoming an accurate, believable simulacrum of reality (monster-oriented devastation aside, of course–the elements that cause the film to falter are far more basic than that).

1. The camcorder batteryMore than anything, the fact that the camcorder battery manages to last through ninety minutes of mayhem, not to mention (apparent) unseen hours of standby mode, several tape rewinds and fast-forwards, and being used as the sole source of light in a subway tunnel for over fifty blocks makes the film deteriorate faster than anything else. One might argue that the battery might have been swapped at some point, but I would point out that the individual handling the camera for the majority of the film isn’t extremely bright and certainly less than responsible; moreover, it wasn’t even his camera, so the likelihood that he’d just “happen” to have a battery on him is slim to none.
2. Distorted distancesAt one point a number of characters descend into the subway at what is allegedly the Spring Street 6 stop, even though it’s clearly too short for a full-length train to fit into. We’ll set aside the fact that somehow these crazy kids manage to have cell phone reception while in the station (there is virtually no signal in the New York City subway system), even after the monster has presumably destroyed many of the nearby buildings that would’ve had cell phone towers and repeaters mounted on their rooftops. The group decides to walk uptown along the pitch-black tracks, again using the camcorder light as their sole source of illumination; they manage to emerge at what appears to be Bloomingdale’s (located at Lexington Avenue and 59th Street), where the military has inexplicably set up some sort of bizarre decontamination base.³³ If you look at a map of their path, they traversed over three miles in apparently a matter of under five minutes–never mind the fact that most people walk approximately three miles an hour. (Also never mind that aforementioned camcorder battery issue.)
3. Impalement impossibleThe whole reason that this motley crew of characters is even venturing deeper into Manhattan instead of attempting to escape is to retrieve the would-be lover of one particular character who lives at the Time Warner Center at Columbus Circle.³³ Does the fact that one of the two towers is leaning against the other one deter these dolts? Of course not! And, as luck would have it, Beth (the damsel in distress in this case) lives in–you guessed it–the tower that’s precariously leaning against the other one. Overlooking the sheer ridiculousness that is the group’s ascent to the top and leap over to the other tower, when they finally locate Beth, it’s a miracle that she hasn’t fallen out of the front of the building, which has sheared off.  Fortunately, she’s been impaled on a piece of rebar, holding her firmly in place. That’s right–she’s still alive, even though she should be suffering from at the very least a punctured lung if not a punctured pericardium or something equally horrifying. I’ll let you guess what happens next. That’s right–the poor girl is wrenched from the rebar, forced to descend this precariously leaning tower, and not ten minutes later she’s running and shrieking and flailing her arms as if she had suffered nothing more severe than a paper cut.

I could go on, but it’s pointless. These are plot holes that you could drive a Hummer through, and I’m sure that they contributed in no small part to the film’s precarious box office plummet following its opening weekend–BoxOfficeMojo.com indicates that ticket sales fell over 70% the week after opening.I contend that it’s lazy filmmaking to resort to such cheap devices to move the plot along, even when the plot is as gauzy as this one. Would it have been more difficult to make an entirely plausible film? Of course. But it also would have made for more interesting viewing, and would have been a more creatively demanding exercise.My point, simply put, is this–a simulacrum works best when it truly and powerfully nails the smallest details that make a situation utterly believable. Cloverfield fails to do this. When simulacra are masterfully executed, you find yourself able to truly lose yourself in the experience. This is why, when you visit Las Vegas and stroll through the “canals” at The Venetian, you are struck by how “sky-like” the fresco sky overhead seems and how “piazza-like” the piazza seems. It’s all attention to detail, and if you aren’t careful, you actually end up believing you are actually in Venice for fleeting moments here and there.Is Cloverfield fun to watch? Yes, of course–it’s quite scary, and the special effects are extremely good. But really, when you get to the sum of things, you realize that the film relies far too much on this technical gimmickry in hopes that the viewing audience will forgive (or overlook) the gaps in realism.3

1. I can’t help but wonder… wouldn’t the Javits Center or Madison Square Garden have made much more sense than a Midtown department store?!333
2. Leave it to Paramount to destroy the landmark building of their primary competition.333

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